Uncategorized

Moving forward, not moving on

Dear Orla, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the moment I first wrote those two words, almost exactly twenty four hours after you were born.  I woke at home and my eyes immediately fixed on the empty crib beside our bed.  Empty.  Empty crib, empty arms, empty belly.  It’s a feeling that you can only…… Continue reading Moving forward, not moving on

Loss · Mental health and wellbeing

Breast…(middle ground)…bottle

I’ve never really spoken about breastfeeding, because it can be such an emotive topic. However, I now also realise that this may be because of my own complicated emotions towards it. I breastfed exclusively for about 7 months before shifting to mixed feeding after E started weaning, stopping completely at 10 months. I said I loved…… Continue reading Breast…(middle ground)…bottle

Loss

Competitive grief

Significant dates have a way of making you stop and reflect.  To think about what has been and what may be to come. Setting intentions and hopes and remembering what you are grateful for, as well as acknowledging what causes pain and suffering. It was unfortunate that the flow of reflection that May brings from me…… Continue reading Competitive grief

Mental health and wellbeing

Maternal Mental Health Matters…..even when your baby died

‘No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing. At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket…… Continue reading Maternal Mental Health Matters…..even when your baby died

Mental health and wellbeing

Me, thee and PND

“I think you’re depressed’ The words that still ring through my ears when I think about the day that the perinatal mental health nurse turned up at my door.  It had been a difficult morning; baby refusing to sleep, pacing the house wearing the sling.  Much like many of the days that had preceded really. …… Continue reading Me, thee and PND

Mental health and wellbeing · Parenting

And then she was one

And just like that, she was one.   Except, when I really think about it, it wasn’t ‘just like that’ at all.  The first year of parenting after loss has been a complete rollercoaster; a Big Dipper, with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and one that I have desperately wanted to…… Continue reading And then she was one

Uncategorized

A tale of two births

I can’t quite believe that it has taken me a whole year to write Esme’s birth story.  Maybe it was due to me finding those early months so incredibly overwhelming; maybe it was PND.  Or maybe it was because I have found it difficult to reconcile my feelings towards birth since losing Orla.   The…… Continue reading A tale of two births